Redefining Family

posted February 19, 2009

by Amanda Young of Verde

On March 5, 2009 at 9 a.m., while Paly junior Josh Lay will sit in his Physics 1 class listening to a lecture on sound waves, electricity, or magnetism, a discussion that could change his life will have commenced in the state Supreme Court's chambers in San Francisco. Josh will sit restlessly in his seat, anxiously watching the clock tick and imagining the court hearing. Questions will race through his head: What are the witnesses saying? How long will it take for the jury to make their decision? Will his family be OK?

"I'll be wondering the whole time what's going on in the courtroom," Josh says. "I'll be thinking about it constantly, hoping my mothers' marriage isn't nullified."

Across the school in his World History class, Josh's brother Paly freshman Jeremy Lay will also be worrying about the state of his family.

"Maybe I'll get to watch the hearing on TV, because Mr. Boloños shows us things like that," Jeremy says. "I'll be hoping for the best."

On March 5, 2009, the state Supreme Court will be hearing arguments on the constitutionality of Proposition 8, the measure that passed last November, banning marriages between same-sex couples. The court will also decide whether to nullify the same-sex marriages performed from June to November, numbering about 18,000, according to the William Institute at UCLA.

Mary Pirritano and Leslie Pirritano, Josh and Jeremy's biological mother and stepmother, married during the summer of 2008, but their marriage may face nullification if the Supreme Court upholds Prop. 8. The court* must make a decision within 90 days of the hearing.

Most children take their parents' right to marriage for granted, but Josh and Jeremy, along with the other 6 million to 14 million children worldwide living in gay- and lesbian-headed households, have had to watch people constantly question their parents' marriage. Especially for the children living in the 108,734 gay and lesbian households in California, the fight for equality for their family has been a roller coaster. From Proposition 22, which illegalized same-sex marriages in California in 2000, to San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's decision in 2004 to issue same-sex marriage licenses, to the 2008 state Supreme Court ruling to legalize same-sex marriages, to Prop. 8, the children of gay and lesbian parents have realized the legal fragility of their parents' marriages. This has put thousands of these children under a psychological threat so new that researchers and psychologists can only speculate on its severity. Until new research is uncovered, only personal accounts can demonstrate the psychological distress that children living with gay and lesbian parents suffer from because of the discrimination they face daily.

The March 5 Decision

The possible nullification of his parents' marriage angers Josh. As he sits in the armchair in his living room, his jaw tightens and he slouches further in his seat, brows furrowing in frustration.

"I would be extremely mad," Josh says. "I don't even know what kinds of beliefs people have in order to think that my parents' marriage is not OK."

Josh disapproves of the message the state Supreme Court would be sending and believes that the USA would prove that American society still has far to go to reach the egalitarian ideal.

"They would be saying that not everyone is equal in our country, despite what people say," Josh says.

Jeremy says that if Mary and Leslie's marriage were nullified, he would also feel that his family was inferior to families headed by heterosexual couples in the eyes of the law.

"The government wouldn't be giving my parents the same rights as others," Jeremy says. "They would be calling us different."

Suzanne Johnson, a professor of psychology at Dowling College in Oakdale, N.Y., has spent the past 10 years studying gay- and lesbian-headed families. However, no current studies have detailed the specific psychological consequences on children whose parents are barred from marriage by the law.

The American Psychological Association circulated a press release in 2004 that stated that discrimination and prejudice based on sexual orientation detrimentally impacted gay and lesbian couples, but no research about the children has been conducted.

"I don't know of any research that has specifically investigated how children feel and react to experiences where their parents lose rights," Johnson says. "We can only know from first-hand accounts."

Questions about the psychological effects on these children have never been raised before because the number of children living in gay- and lesbian-headed households has just recently spiked. According to an Urban Institute demographer, the number of lesbian couples raising children jumped to one in three in 2000 from one in five in 1990, and the number of gay couples raising children jumped to one in five from one in 20 in the same time frame.

"No studies have asked children how they feel about living in a household unapproved by the government," Johnson says. "The focus always seems to be on the parents who are being actively discriminated against and that's as far as it goes. Hopefully research on children will happen eventually."

Even though no research has been done on the psychology of children living with gay and lesbian parents, the children have been profoundly affected by the rights denied to their parents. As Jeremy thinks about what would happen if his parents' marriage were nullified, a wave of disappointment hits him.

"My parents went through so much trouble to get married, and they waited a long time for their marriage to be OK," Jeremy says. "Now the government is trying to take the marriage away from them again."

As Mary imagines her marriage being prohibited, she tilts her head to the side, deep in thought.

"I would feel like a second-class citizen," she says. "It would make me feel like my relationship is not as good as a heterosexual relationship."

Paly freshman Sophie, whose name, along with those of her family members, has been withheld for privacy reasons, has lived with gay parents her entire life. Like Mary and Leslie, her parents married in the summer of 2008. As she thinks about the vulnerability of her fathers' marriage, she says she is angered by the constant battle between gay rights advocates and gay rights opponents.

"It seems stupid to try to reverse gay marriages again," Sophie says.

The Lay-Pirritano Family

The Lay brothers have not always lived with Leslie, and for most of their childhood, they never knew their mother was a lesbian. After being married to their father for 13 years, Mary and her husband suddenly divorced when Josh was in the fifth grade. Then, while Josh was in the seventh grade, Mary and Leslie met. As their relationship became more serious, Mary decided to finally open up to her children about her sexual orientation.

"I didn't want to tell my kids until I had a serious, long-term relationship," Mary says. "It was a great relief to tell them; it's hard to pretend to be someone you're not."

Mary's news surprised Josh at first, but he was very accepting.

"At first, I was shocked," Josh says. "Then, I just got used to it. I didn't see being gay as weird; being gay is just another way to have a relationship."

As Josh began attending the Unity Palo Alto Community Church, a church with many gay and lesbian members, he began learning more about gay rights.

"Before, I didn't really think about gay rights," Josh says. "Now, it's everywhere around me. I've become much more supportive of gays."

Leslie is an avid gay rights activist, and she is currently training to be a gay rights lobbyist for Equality California, an organization that will try to pass resolutions in support of invalidating Prop. 8.

"I make it a goal to do something for my cause once a month," Leslie says. "I always look for what I can do to save our marriage."

In contrast, Mary does not feel the need to attend rallies and protests. She feels that by being openly gay, she contributes to the gay rights movement.

"I'm a terrible lesbian," Mary jokes, and she and Leslie laugh together. "I think that equality will come eventually, but I'm the observer and Leslie's the catalyst."

Each member of the Lay-Pirritano household contributes to the gay rights movement in his or her own way. Josh feels that he will participate in the gay rights movement by showing that living with lesbian parents has not affected him negatively.

"I'm a normal kid," Josh says.

In Johnson's national study administered from 2001-2002, she and another researcher studied 256 families from 34 states. According to Johnson, they looked at family functioning, the disciplinary methods of the parents, marital harmony, and the parental responsibilities.

"In general, the families with gay or lesbian parents were functioning as well or better than heterosexual households were," Johnson says. "Usually, the homosexual couples had to go through a much longer process to become parents, which meant that they were highly motivated and invested in having children. One saying, 'There are no unwanted children in a gay or lesbian family' is to some extent true."

In 2004, the American Psychological Association Working Group on Same-Sex Families and Relationships found similar results to Johnson's after studying many homes of same-sex families. Based on research, they confirmed Johnson's claim that homosexual couples are similar to heterosexual couples, and the sexual orientation of the parents has no psychologically damaging effect on the children living in these families.

"The research on same-sex households is striking because all of the results show the same thing over and over again, despite the motivations of the researchers," Johnson says.

Leslie has heard of this research done on same-sex households and feels her family supports the findings. Leslie believes that she and Mary have raised their family the same way heterosexual couples raise their families.

"We discipline the kids and give them love," Leslie says. "We are just another set of parents trying to make the world better, just like everyone else."

The Effects of Prop. 8

As Josh's family and Sophie's family worry about the March 5 decision, they turn their anger towards Prop. 8 and its impact on their families.

"I felt sorry for the 'Yes on 8' people because of their ignorance," Josh says. "They just don't understand that gay marriages are not bad."

Mary was disappointed after Prop. 8 passed, but she refuses to let the proposition change her family.

"I feel like society and laws shouldn't affect us," Mary says. "Life in our household hasn't changed."

However, she does feel that marriage has changed one aspect of her life: the way people perceive her relationship with Leslie.

"My family looked at our marriage as a serious relationship," Mary says. "We gained greater equality from our extended family with our marriage, but now…"

Prop. 8 also diminished Sophie's family's feeling of equality under the law. One day. while the family was driving around the neighborhood, Sophie's brother Justin noticed "Yes on 8" signs on the lawns of various houses. Brad, Sophie's adoptive father, vividly remembers Justin's reaction and feels pained that he could not help Justin.

"Justin said confusedly, 'They hate our family and they don't even know us.' This struck a chord with me," Brad says. "As a dad, it was so hard to watch my son feel discriminated against."

Gary, Sophie's other father, believes that Prop. 8 awakened his family to the inequality in California.

"It was a reality check for the kids," Gary says. "It showed them that the world is not accepting. In Palo Alto we live in a bubble, because it is a very open area, but you don't have to travel very far to realize the realities of our situation."

When Prop. 8 passed, Sophie felt very disappointed and confused by the Prop. 8 advocates and the mass support they received.

"I don't understand why people don't like gay people and don't approve of my family," Sophie says. "Prop. 8 frustrates me because other people shouldn't be able to tell you how to live your life."

Johnson believes that there are many possible psychological consequences on children who feel that their family is unequal under the law; they could feel rejected, hated, and discriminated against.

"There are many layers of how the children of gay parents will be affected by Prop. 8," Johnson says. "There are profound emotional and psychological ramifications of being denied what most people consider to be a basic human and civil right. Prop. 8 denies children the right to have two parents."

There are also many legal benefits that married couples have that many gay and lesbian couples do not share. Domestic partners cannot file joint-taxes, have survivor benefits through Social Security, or have hospital visitation rights.

"What happens if I'm in a car wreck?" Leslie asks hypothetically. "Mary won't be able to see me in the hospital if she is not legally my family, and we won't be able to do anything about it."

Sophie's Story

Sophie has lived with two fathers her whole life, so she has never known what it is like living in a household headed by a heterosexual couple.

"I've gotten used to living with two dads," Sophie says.

When she was little, she was occasionally asked questions inquiring where her mom was, but she never let these questions upset her.

"When I was little, I noticed that I was living with two dads, but it didn't bother me," Sophie says matter-of-factly. She shrugs her shoulders and a lop-sided smile appears on her face. "I figured that everyone should have two parents, and these were mine."

Sometimes Sophie wishes that she had more female figures in her life, but she does not feel at a disadvantage because of her living situation.

"Some things are harder to talk about when living with all guys," Sophie says. "But we are an average family. We have family dinners, go on vacation, and drive to school together."

Brad understands that living with all males is sometimes hard for Sophie, so he tries to provide female figures for her to look up to, including a family friend and a nanny. Brad, like Sophie, feels that they live in a normal household, but he does cite one difference between their family and the families of heterosexual couples.

"Typically in our society, women are expected to work in the home," Brad says. "However, in a household with two men, there are no assumptions. We can be the 'moms' and the 'dads' because we have flexible gender roles."

When the state Supreme Court overturned California's ban on same-sex marriage in May 2008, Sophie felt greater acceptance from society. When Brad and Gary were married, Sophie and Justin stood by, watching with a sense of justice and pride. Even though the marriage only took five minutes inside a courtroom, Sophie remembers it as a significant moment for her family.

"It felt good to know that they were now married in the eyes of the law," Sophie says.

Brad remembers that his children felt more secure when he became married to Gary under the law.

"The kids felt better when they could officially say that we were married," Brad says. "They felt that we were more normal. Justin was so proud that he told his whole football team."

The Bonds of Family

Mary understands the possible ramifications of the March 5 state Supreme Court decision, but she does not worry too much for her family.

"Regardless, we'll still wake up in the morning, go to work, raise a family, and love each other," Mary says.

Sophie would feel disappointed if her parents' marriage were nullified, but she hopes that it will not affect daily life in her household.

"It would be bad, but my parents have always said that they are married in their hearts no matter what," Sophie says. "Even if they're not married in the law, it won't kill them."

Even if the state Supreme Court decides to uphold Prop. 8 and nullify all gay marriages in California, Josh would still have hope for the future of the gay rights movement. Josh and Jeremy will continue fighting for Mary and Leslie's right to marriage and for the integrity of their family.

"Children of gay and lesbian parents can show that being gay or lesbian does nothing to affect society negatively," Josh says.

Johnson also believes that, as more gay and lesbian couples raise families, the children will play a key role in the gay rights movement.

"The kids in openly gay and lesbian families will have a great social impact on gaining civil rights for gay and lesbian people," Johnson says. "The children will be functional and healthy people who will show the world that their parents are equal to heterosexual parents."

Sophie plans on fighting in the future to preserve the bonds of her family, and to fight to secure rights for her parents and the other gay and lesbian couples in the USA and in the world.

"The next generation has to fight for gay rights," Sophie says. "It will take a while to get change, but change will come."

To see the story behind the story, click here for a SoundSlide interview with the author, exclusively online.

*Editor's Note: The story was corrected to state that the court, rather than a jury, would make the final decision in nullifying Proposition 8. This change was made post-production.